im actually feelin so daymn guilty rite now.
what a waste of my fleshy cheekbones when all ive been doin all day long was sulk and frown.


is it really my fault the outing really had to be cancelled?
ohhh...why is all this happening?
jz wen i entered the bathroom this morning aft my earlier blogging, dzul called to ask hw many ppl on my side were going to the err picnic.
i didnt invite anyone else except for those in our class, diyana and hafiz.
but i chatted wif hafiz on msn earlier in the morning and he said he wanted to sleep all day.

so hafiz was out.
me? i really couldnt. i was sick. i am sick.
i understand it isnt possible to have the outing without me rite...hah shut up jerk.
yeah i feel like a jerk. i spoiled everything.
i could never make up for this mess.
im such a loser.

and then dzul said farzi cdnt come either coz he's got plans. note..tts what dzul said.
and then i told him i havent heard from jihad for 2 days..sinz the whole of yesterday.
so dzul sadly cancelled the whole thing smack in my guilty face.
i could tell he was upset. ok 'upset' is a pretty lenient word to use. coz i choose not to choose the more accurate alternative..whatever the horrible word is, it hardly goes wif a nice guy like dzul, really.
and he asked me to tell diyana while he informed the guys.
and tts exactly what i did.

and what do i get?

aft i put down the phone wif diyana, hit the showers, came back out, the phone rang.
ok then i got shit from jihad.
practically scolded me. got another word? coz it sounded worst than scold dammit. and accused me of lotsa other stuffz. well not lots. but i hate being accused!
"i hate the word as i hate hell, all montagues, and thee!"-Tybalt Capulet, RnJ
the greatest shit came when after i explained the real situation calmly and rationally and he f**king hung up on me..and left poor me dumbfounded, staring at the receiver while i swore it spat on my pathetic face.
well, yeah that made me feel alot better abt the whole thing. yeah, i feel great now.
naw u fools, i was being sarcastic! i feel idiotic alrite?!

but there was nothing i could do. i couldnt help being sick can i?!
i dun blame them for being pissed. no one likes last minute call-offs.
yeah, me neither.
but sometimes u get to play the role of the black sheep.
that's when everyone gets to throw shit at u before they slit ur throat up for mutton curry.

and thats exactly how i feel..


luckily there are other things to keep my mind away from thinking abt being mutton curry.
like mopping the whole house, fixing lunch, dvds and he-hu-i-dunno, iqbal.

true i dunno what is going on btwn us. and no i hate to jump to conclusions.
[im thru with that kind of immaturity. im nineteen and reasonable now.]
but i think i virtually accompanied him to the hospital today.
he was abt to go on a surgery. hope he's okay.
ok im abit guilty abt being ignorant abt him this morning.
but tt duzen mean anything. full stop.
im still single.


oh i sure hope someone wd wake me up when september ends...
[i dunno what im sayin rite now]